What

what I’m finding now is my way back

what I’m find now is a voice, no longer choked back by smoke.

 

what I’m learning now is what I want, I must earn.

what I’m learning now is that I can define truth and what it means for me.

 

what I’m seeing now is a clarity I’ve longed for, but couldn’t achieve.

what I’m working for now is the freedom to do the work I feel called to do.

 

what I’m looking for is authenticity, from myself as much as from you.

what I’m looking for is a release from this meatsuit, transcendence.

 

what I’m feeling is open and vulnerable

what I’m feeling is my feelings

what I’m feeling is what its like to be you.

 

what I know is not very much

what I know is not enough

 

what I’m talking about is worth listening to

what I’m saying is all stuff that’s been said before.

 

what I’m here for is everything you’ve got.

 

 

 

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AntiThesis

Seeing new faces intrigues me and piques my curiosity regarding the human condition

Seeing new places intrigues me and reminds me how sheltered I am in my little corner of the Universe.

Staring in to someone else’s eyes wondering how they let themselves go so far down that dark road of self-destruction, brings sadness in to my soul.

I wonder who hurt them, I wonder who told them they were worthless, I wonder who told them they didn’t deserve better.

Self-destruction happens at different speeds, the ones taking it slow baffle me the most.

Just a little bit worse every day is the antithesis of how I exist and witnessing this ignites and quiet, subtle rage inside me.

This burning is the fire I’ll use to purify myself, the fire I’ll use to destroy the weakest parts of me, the fire that will light a candle to guide others back to the way we used to be.

Thicker skin, better posture, tighter waistline, less excuses. Simple focus, driven and disciplined, eager and willing to push themselves, test their limits, finding their center, crushing the ego beneath the desire to transform, reach higher and EVOLVE.

These Days

these days I find myself taking less

chances and doubling down on a sure bet

 

These days I find myself thinking too

much about what needs remembering

 

these days I’m not setting goals, but I’m

still shooting my shot

 

These days I’m not making plans but

I’m still taking steps on The Path

 

these days I’m figuring out what I

care about and what to leave behind

 

these days I’m remembering to warm up

and I’m always taking time to cool down

 

these days I’m making eye contact

and listening like I mean it

 

these days I’m not looking as hard

but I seem to be finding everything I want.

Novelty

chasing novelty never gets old.

I’ll try anything once, and then again,

as long as its different that before.

I’ll try anything I haven’t done with anyone I haven’t done it with before.

I find myself nonplussed by the new and titillating.

I find myself sitting back and twiddling my thumbs as all the colors change around.

As the world swirls and twirls in front of my face only pausing when I choose to breathe, only stopping when I find the thing I want, only holding on for this moment or that moment, never grasping, never holding on loosely, but gracefully cradling the preciousness of whatever is happening now, trying desperately to feel connected to the cosmos, connected to the chaos, connected to the constant change that is the only truth I believe, the only force I know strong enough to make me feel, strong enough to make me questions if its all worth it, strong enough to drive me forward, one moment at a time, dying to myself, while still living the most possible, best possible life.

loose ends

like the bit of celery stuck in your back

teeth tickling your tongue and tonsils

like the end of a joint, pinched between

quarters burning lips and fingers

like a suicide note, written but never

sent an eternal “what if”

like never saying the words you

meant and never getting another chance

like memories that keep me awake

at night alone more present than ever

like the worn hem of a dress

dangling dangerously, darting between knees

do we tie them up? do we cut them off?

do we remain immune to the nagging,

the imperfection, the lack of closure?

Today

today, I did what I was supposed to do.

I felt in control of my destiny

i showed up for everyone, including myself.

tested just enough, connected just enough

detached just enough, well-fed, hydrated,

exercised, stretched, rested, bathed,

coached, trained, made the call,

caffeinated, conversed, made a plan

and followed it, flirted, ogled, flexed,

shared my knowledge, asked good questions,

touched gently, fought back, asserted myself

made the lift, saw eye to eye, took good notes,

said something nice, helped someone succeed,

paid my bills, solved a problem, asked for advice

set a date, checked the box, crossed it off my list.

 

I did everything i wanted to today

I moved the process forwad.

I took initiative and made important decicions

I was empathetic and energetic and expressive

I used emojis and I used my words

put away my clothes and played with my dog

ate the right kind of food for the kind of

work i needed to do, avoided additction again

I was responsibly irresponsible, i risked

for glory, i inspired, i succeeded and completed

I felt my breath and felt my strength,

and I felt the edge of my abilities and

i used intelligent restraint and I felt myself

keep pace and I felt myself let go and I felt

myself contract and expand instead of contract and

relax. I’m in the mood to do the work and

get shit done.